- When are you having number two? (or three or four…..)
Nice of you to ask…I’ve been meaning to ask you actually – Are you shagging at the moment? Did he give you one last night? When do you think you’ll be getting some action again? Wink wink nudge nudge….
- What a gorgeous little boy!
She’s a girl! She’s a girl! Look at her eyelashes – they are so beautiful – she’s wearing a pink tutu and a t-shirt that says – I’M A FUCKING GIRL!
- Your baby isn’t sleeping through the night? What?! Oh dear…You need to do controlled crying.
I have nothing against controlled crying, hats off to anyone who has done that, but I’m crap at it, and don’t need to be reminded that my baby ‘should’ be sleeping through the night! I am aware of this and have the eye bags to prove it!
And ,while we’re on the subject of unwanted advice….
- You need to : feed her this, put this on her gums, stick this up her bum….
I don’t NEED to do anything actually – it’s my child…MINE! Not yours! You sanctimonious (insert your favourite insult here, go on..enjoy yourself!)
- My baby was: sleeping through the night at 2 weeks / walking by the time he was 5 hours old / did a backflip on his 1st birthday / read War and Peace on the day she was born…..
Don’t tell us shit like this, it just makes us feel bad that, so far, our child’s greatest achievement is to :
- Sit up and drool
- Eat his own poo
- Bite a dog
- What are you doing to lose the baby weight?
Thank you for asking, I really appreciate you drawing attention to the fact that I’m still a lard ass. That’s so kind of you.
What am I doing about this?
Well, I have a strict exercise regime…I don’t do any…I’m very strict about this – and my diet plan, well! I tell you what it isn’t…it isn’t eating whatever bits of crumpet and cheese that the baby won’t eat (it is) , it isn’t ordering a takeaway because I’m too knackered to cook (it so is), it isn’t eating biscuits just to stay awake (it really, really…is).
- So…you’re still not working
Thank you for that, it’s lovely of you to add to the guilt I already feel at my lack of career.
I AM BLOODY WORKING! My day starts at 5am and never fucking ends! I’m looking after a tiny human! It’s the hardest job in the world. Why don’t you come over and try it? We can scrub poo off the walls together…Go on..it’ll be fun!
What do you think I do…lie around eating biscuits all day? (well, I do eat biscuits, but usually crouching down while trying to change a nappy)
So…you’re working now – who looks after the poor little mite?
No-one, I leave him in the car.
It must be so hard for him.
Thank you for that, it’s lovely of you to add to the guilt I already feel for letting someone else look after my child. Funnily enough, money doesn’t grow on trees, plus…and I know it sounds crazy, as I shouldn’t have any needs or wants of my own now that I’m a Mum…I like my job, I have a brain and ambition and I want to inspire my child. And in case you are wondering, he loves nursery and it’s great for him….further more…
IT’S NONE OF YOUR BLOODY BUSINESS…so piss off you patronising (insert your favourite insult here….go crazy….bust out the C word why don’t you?)
- Doesn’t he look like his Daddy? Nothing like you is he?
No, he isn’t. I love the fact that after 9 months of gruelling pregnancy, and a labour that nearly killed me, I produced a little person that has no resemblance to me whatsoever.
- Oh, she’s tired bless her…time for a nap I’d say
Oh is it? Thank you for that! Is that why my child is having a screaming fit in the middle of Tesco? Funnily enough, he just woke up , and is being a grumpy ass, but thank you random old woman who I’ve never met, I’ll try that!!
- She’s a big one isn’t she?
Are you calling my daughter fat? FUUUUUCKKKKK OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!
What do people say that drive you up the wall? Lets wage war on them together! Comment below or on my facebook page.
The Funny Mummy xxx