How to control your hate, for skinny people eating cake!

It’s Easter! Otherwise known as ‘all you can eat’kend’. Woohooo!!!

I set myself a personal challenge, not only to eat my body weight in chocolate, but also to eat whatever yummy (and highly fattening obvs..natch!) food I could get my hands on. It’s been tough people, there were times when I craved a salad (who am I kidding?)  but I have ploughed on, until last night I fell asleep at 8pm, a broken shell of the woman I used to be….feeling and looking like a walrus…a bloated walrus.

I will have put on weight this weekend. Fact. That’s what happens when I eat cake and chocolate. I have skinny friends, who also put on weight when they eat cake and chocolate…they just choose not to eat that sort of thing. (how the fuck they do that, I don’t know).

And then…. there are my skinny friends who eat cake, eat chocolate, eat takeaways and DO NOT PUT ON ANY WEIGHT! WTF?!! How do they do it??? Are they put here on earth to torture me, with their skinny, cake eating ways?! I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!! (ofcourse, I love them really, they are my friends, blah blah blah) (I hate them)

If you feel as I do – Ashrama Rama Ding Dong is here – to help you process your all-consuming hate…for SKINNY PEOPLE WHO EAT CAKE!


Will the real ‘Super Mums’ please stand up!

There seem to be quite a few articles floating around at the moment, which feature these magical ‘super mums’ who manage to do one or more of the following things:

  • have the time or inclination to marinate quinoa (marinated quinoa?? do me a favour!) for their little one’s ‘fresh quinoa porridge’ the next day.
  • make their little ones ‘fresh quinoa porridge’ the next day
  • manage to fine 45 minutes or more to get themselves  (i.e not the kids, they’re already dressed and eating their porridge)  ready in the morning…45 minutes??? What time do you get up…midnight?? If I bother with makeup, I do it in the car, while driving! (er…ofcourse, I’m joking officer)
  • put on a conditioning hair treatment, while making pancakes, whilst simultaneously wearing a cucumber eye mask, doing yoga stretches and giving their husband a blow job.

Yes they all manage to piss me off.

I have nothing against looking glam. Hats off to anyone who can manage it. When I leave the house in the morning, I bare a very strong resemblance to side show Bob.

I have nothing against marinated quinoa, i’m sure it’s delicious (hmmm) but unless you have ‘staff’- who the hell has time to do all this crap?!

By writing about these amazing mornings, where you bake your own bread and then kill, pluck and roast a chicken for your children’s packed lunch sandwiches – you are making the rest of us feel rubbish, for managing to throw some cocoa pops at our kids, and shoving them in the car.

All I can say is:  I don’t buy it! These glossy articles don’t represent the real super mums. For me, the real super mums are those who manage to get out of the house at all! I don’t give a toss if you come to the school gates in your pajamas – you got your child here..on time…and he’s off to be educated now..surely that’s the most important thing…who cares what you’re wearing? It’s the school run, not a catwalk!

In my opinion, we are all super mums, for looking after these tiny, mental, exhausting humans for 24 hours a day.

This video is for all of you who are fed up of reading these articles, and fancy having a giggle at the whole idea of the ‘magical super mum’. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you….ORGANIC MOM!



10 things to say to a Mum….if you want to really PISS HER OFF!


  1. When are you having number two? (or three or four…..)

Nice of you to ask…I’ve been meaning to ask you actually – Are you shagging at the moment? Did he give you one last night? When do you think you’ll be getting some action again? Wink wink nudge nudge….

  1. What a gorgeous little boy!

She’s a girl! She’s a girl! Look at her eyelashes – they are so beautiful – she’s wearing a pink tutu and a t-shirt that says – I’M A FUCKING GIRL! 

  1. Your baby isn’t sleeping through the night? What?! Oh dear…You need to do controlled crying.

I have nothing against controlled crying, hats off to anyone who has done that, but I’m crap at it, and don’t need to be reminded that my baby ‘should’ be sleeping through the night! I am aware of this and have the eye bags to prove it!

And ,while we’re on the subject of unwanted advice….

  1. You need to : feed her this, put this on her gums, stick this up her bum….

I don’t NEED to do anything actually – it’s my child…MINE! Not yours! You sanctimonious (insert your favourite insult here, go on..enjoy yourself!)

  1. My baby was:  sleeping through the night at 2 weeks  / walking by the time he was 5 hours old /  did a backflip on his 1st birthday /  read War and Peace on the day she was born…..

Don’t tell us shit like this, it just makes us feel bad that, so far, our child’s greatest achievement is to :

  • Sit up and drool
  • Eat his own poo
  • Bite a dog
  1. What are you doing to lose the baby weight?

Thank you for asking, I really appreciate you drawing attention to the fact that I’m still a lard ass. That’s so kind of you.

What am I doing about this?

Well, I have a strict exercise regime…I don’t do any…I’m very strict about this – and my diet plan, well! I tell you what it isn’t…it isn’t eating whatever bits of crumpet and cheese that the baby won’t eat (it is) , it isn’t ordering a takeaway because I’m too knackered to cook (it so is), it isn’t eating biscuits just to stay awake (it really, really…is).

  1. So…you’re still not working

Thank you for that, it’s lovely of you to add to the guilt I already feel at my lack of career.

I AM BLOODY WORKING! My day starts at 5am and never fucking ends! I’m looking after a tiny human! It’s the hardest job in the world. Why don’t you come over and try it? We can scrub poo off the walls together…Go’ll be fun!

What do you think I do…lie around eating biscuits all day? (well, I do eat biscuits, but usually crouching down while trying to change a nappy)


So…you’re working now – who looks after the poor little mite?

No-one, I leave him in the car.

It must be so hard for him.

Thank you for that, it’s lovely of you to add to the guilt I already feel for letting someone else look after my child. Funnily enough, money doesn’t grow on trees, plus…and I know it sounds crazy, as I shouldn’t have any needs or wants of my own now that I’m a Mum…I like my job, I have a brain and ambition and I want to inspire my child. And in case you are wondering, he loves nursery and it’s great for him….further more…

 IT’S NONE OF YOUR BLOODY BUSINESS…so piss off you patronising (insert your favourite insult here….go crazy….bust out the C word why don’t you?)


  1. Doesn’t he look like his Daddy? Nothing like you is he?

No, he isn’t. I love the fact that after 9 months of gruelling pregnancy, and a labour that nearly killed me, I produced a little person that has no resemblance to me whatsoever.

  1. Oh, she’s tired bless her…time for a nap I’d say

Oh is it? Thank you for that! Is that why my child is having a screaming fit in the middle of Tesco? Funnily enough, he just woke up , and is being a grumpy ass, but thank you random old woman who I’ve never met, I’ll try that!!

  1. She’s a big one isn’t she?

Are you calling my daughter fat? FUUUUUCKKKKK OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!

 What do people say that drive you up the wall? Lets wage war on them together! Comment below or on my facebook page.


 The Funny Mummy    xxxdo-me-a-favour-and-piss-off

Yoga Vs Wine

In a half assed attempt at losing the baby weight…(my ‘baby’ is 13 now) (only joking, she’s 1… honestly), I dragged myself to a Yoga class, in the hope of finding inner peace and toning myself up (can you tone fat? will I end up with a ‘fat pack’ rather than a ‘6 pack’?)

After 10 minutes, I knew I was onto a winner with this instructor :

“now we are going to move our necks and our head. This  exercise helps us move our necks….and our head….I know it sounds complicated” 

At this point I fell asleep, waking 10 minutes later covered in my own drool. Thank god I woke up, as otherwise I would have missed this gem:

“breath in, ahhhhh, breath out, ooooooo….with this exercise, we are breathing in…and, also, breathing out…I know it sounds complicated”

The last 30 minutes of the class were slightly more bearable….as they were spent in the pub with a large Sauvignon Blanc. I found this exercise was much better at relaxing my neck…and my head.

This video is in tribute to that wonderful instructor.

If you clic on the link, you can watch the video…this exercise, will help you to…watch the video…I know it sounds complicated.


The Funny Mummy



Are you a bad mother?

Since becoming a Mum, I have had the joy of experiencing ‘Mum shaming’ on many occasions. I admit that sometimes I do it to myself, comparing myself to other Mums who seem to be handling it better, doing it better, looking better while doing it better…the list is endless.

But a lot of the time, it was a myriad of people and factors that made me feel like a “Bad Mother”.

  • Health visitors and breastfeeding experts who grabbed my boobs and squeezed them like cake icing funnels, telling me that the reason I couldn’t breastfeed wasn’t because I had inverted nipples (which I do), or because my baby was ill when she was born (she was), it’s because I wasn’t ‘doing it right’.
  • Other Mums who seemed so together and serene, making me feel like I was the only one feeling overwhelmed and drowning in exhaustion.
  • Super Mums who baked vegetable muffins and made homemade bloody broccoli bread (I might be exaggerating here, it may have been just bread) for their little darlings, when I was serving up pouch after pouch of ‘Ella’s’ finest.
  • Mum’s who, when I said, ‘it really does get boring sometimes doesn’t it?’, responded with, ‘Oh I never get bored, little Farquar and Mumsy, have a whale of a time, all day, every day, don’t we Farquar?’ (I might be exaggerating here, I think the child’s name was Napolean)
  • Comments like ‘Oh, is your little one not walking / talking / reciting Shakespeare yet?
  • Press Articles with titles like “Get Your PHD, and other productive things to do on maternity leave’. My main achievement was to watch Game of Thrones from start to finish. (still quite proud of that)

All of the above made me sad, made me cry. So I think it’s time for me, and anyone else who might have been shamed into feeling like ‘A Bad Mother’, to wipe away the tears and have a laugh instead. This video introduces a new character ‘Mummy Knows Best’. An Ode to all those who like to make us struggling, juggling Mums feel like shit!

We are all just winging it, and behind closed doors, I’m certain that even the ‘perfect Mums’ that you know, are having a complete meltdown.

This first episode is entitled ‘Tired Mummy’. I hope you enjoy it.

Lots of love,

The Funny Mummy




Mum’s : Hit the snooze button!

lola snooze



I don’t know about yours, but my OH seems to think that 5am is up time! Even if she hasn’t slept the night before, she’s bright as a bloody button at the crack of dawn! Urghhhh!! I’ve tried putting her back to sleep but she just screams and bangs on her cot bars, like a disgruntled prison inmate.

So I came up with a little trick that helps me get a well needed snooze in the mornings. After she wakes, I give her milk, change her bum and then, I get together a collection of her favourite toys…baby laptop, ninkynonk, TBH I’d give her an electric hand drill if it kept her entertained (joking of course, we can’t afford to buy another hand drill). I put her (don’t forget that bit) and all the toys in her cot, and turn the lights on. She plays happily for up to 45 minutes, and I get some much needed snooze time! Call me lazy, call me crazy, (don’t call me Maizy, that really pisses me off)…but it keeps me sane! It teaches her to amuse herself too, which, in my view, can’t be bad.

Iggle F*cking Piggle!!!!

Last week, I found myself truly engrossed in an episode of ‘In the Night Garden’. To the point where, my LO had crawled off to play with one of her toys (probably the electric drill, or the bleach) and I stayed glued to the episode.  What has happened to me? How did it come to this?

I made this video for all my fellow parents who have been held ransom by Upsy Daisy and her band of merry mentals, or anyone who has had a touch of cabin fever / boredom / stress / sleep deprivation / all of the above …and gone a bit doolally in one way or another.



The Funny Mummy, an Introduction

hi, this is my first blog – my first child – my first go on this merry-go-round – and my head is spinning!

I’m a comic and BC (Before child) I wrote jokes about sex, glamourous lifestyles, men, sex…basically a lot of cock jokes…. it was all very high brow. If you would like to see my BC comedy – my website has lots of videos of me as glamourpuss Ariadne the Greek WAG.

Since having my LO (to use internet speak…I may have got that wrong as I’m not very ‘web’ savvy – that may mean Mother In Law?? but I mean my child). All the jokes and (hopefully) funny things I think of, do not involve sex in any way, shape or form (nor does my life, funnily enough – much to my OH’s* disappointment** (*that one probably does mean Mother In Law) (** to be honest I don’t think he’s that bothered..)

So I thought I’d start a blog of all things funny, now that I’m a mummy (I’m a poet too, did I mention?) and share some thoughts, videos, pictures and all of the above. I do this, in the hope that I might make someone giggle, and perhaps make someone/ anyone realise that they are not alone in feeling completely overwhelmed / upside down / tits up (and out) in dis ‘hood’ dey call ‘Mutha’..


The Funny Mummy